can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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