there's paper in my vomit.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
