i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
