Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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