yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
the gays at disneyland are vicious
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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