I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
