I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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