i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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