My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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