On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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