oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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