Please, let me fuck your mom
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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