He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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