Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
