I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
My vagina just recognized that song.
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My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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