Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
