I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
