you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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