I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
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