so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
