While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize