he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
