If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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