How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
3pm strippers are depressing
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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