Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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