I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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