I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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