Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
