why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
