I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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