peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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