Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
i drank out of a bidet.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
