she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
