i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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