At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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