lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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