the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
