Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
