Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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