we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
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Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
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You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
that is very illegal...i love you.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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