So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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