Is it normal to miss your booty call?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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