Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
