I can tuck mytits in my pants
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
