I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
