I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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