So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
