remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
