i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
