there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
