so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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