I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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