tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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