I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
