I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
